Couples are often very significantly impacted by their unresolved past. It shows up in a variety of ways, such as high conflict; lack of understanding; feeling separate and alone in the relationship; low sexual desire; infidelity; high criticism; withdrawal; defensiveness; lack of respect; physical violence; long periods of not speaking to each other; high conflict over parenting; dread; very few activities together, or a deep sense of unhappiness and resentment. There are many more symptoms, which when not understood and treated can lead to profound dissatisfaction and then divorce.
Couple's Therapy is designed to help create changes to restore safety, trust and love with each other. It promotes building of deep friendship, understanding, acceptance and being on each other's side, which are cornerstones of closeness and intimacy.
The environment in which we have grown up (parents, sibling, school and friends) have the most profound and lasting effects on us. Most of us react to the situation rather than thoughtfully responding.
The deep misunderstanding between couple and conflict is fuelled by unresolved issues from the past, would that be trauma; neglect and/or abuse; rejection; excessive criticism; alcohol or drug abuse by parents, or untreated psychiatric problems (depression, bi-polar disorder, ADHS, or other psychiatric issues.)
Unsafe parents or other powerful events create a pattern of particular attachment (safe, avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized) which we replicate in all our relationships. Most conflicted couples practice some form of excessive criticism, defensiveness, avoidance or contempt (sarcasm, lack of respect). The most accurate predictor of divorce is lack of successful repair and exceeding amounts of negative to positive interaction (minimum ratio of positive to negative is 5:1). Couple's therapy is the vehicle to teach new skills and facilitate the change of patterns that can lead to long lasting and satisfying relationships.
Dr. Elizabeth Kolve
Doctor of Psychology
Marriage & Family Therapist
805-497-2555
Westlake Village, CA
